Author: Retroguy

Six Ways To Kill Your Career

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Fix What Ain’t Broken

Jennifer Grey was riding high in the ‘80s with a few hit movies under her belt including Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and the huge hit with Patrick Swayze, Dirty Dancing. She was fast tracking as a Hollywood “A” lister when she suddenly was struck with the urge to be prettier. A quick trip to a plastic surgeon gave her the nose of her dreams however there was a slight problem – nobody recognized her anymore and the roles dried up almost instantly.

Who’s that girl?

Nobody puts Baby in a corner but nobody was giving her any roles either. She did a few minor things after the surgery and even had an appearance on Friends but her career was pretty much done. Vanity Kills.

Imprison and Beat Up a Male Prostitute

Boy George was the lead singer of one of the bands that really put a mark on the ‘80s. Whether you liked them or not, Culture Club really created a stir not only with the quirky pop sounds they produced but Boy George’s style and controversial image. The band broke up largely due to a falling out between George and another band member who were lovers and so begun a life of drug addiction and trouble with the law.

In retrospect, maybe the makeup was a good thing.

The most recent incident was in December 2008 when he was convicted of falsely imprisoning and beating a male prostitute which unfortunately for Georgie Boy is still very much illegal. Though he served his time, his career as a DJ (which was quite successful) and any talk of a Culture Club reunion are pretty much done.

Get Caught Having Sex in a Men’s Room

George Michael was the lead singer of Wham! and one of the most wanted men of woman everywhere back in the ‘80s. Even after Wham! broke up, he was still producing amazing music as a solo artist and still charting very well in many countries.

He’s gay !?! Wow – how did I miss that?

Though questions of his sexuality always hovered around him, he kept up his heterosexual image for fear of the effect it would have on his mother. Mommy must have flipped in 1998 when George was arrested in Beverly Hills for “engaging in a lewd act” with an undercover cop in a park bathroom in what had to be one of the biggest WTF moments I can ever remember. I could care less which way George swings, but when you’ve got the kind of money and contacts George has, is it necessary (and safe!?!?) to troll a public park bathroom for a Gayfrontation? Just sayin’…… Although he’s put out some stuff since the incident and is touring again, he hasn’t had a #1 hit in the UK since 1996 and none in the U.S. since 1991.

Act Like a Pervert in a Movie Theatre

When you think about masturbating in a movie theatre (hopefully you don’t think of that too often) one name comes to mind, Pee-Wee Herman. Comedian Paul Reubens, who created the character, found fame with a stage act that led to an HBO special and eventually a few movies. He also had a top rated, Emmy award winning kid’s program that was truly unique and a breath of fresh air compared to the other Saturday morning programming.

Pee-Wee doing a Kanye West impression. Spooky!


It all came to a shrieking halt when he was arrested in 1991 for doing a solo act of the lewd kind in a Florida theatre. Again, see my comment regarding George Michael – use some of that Pee-Wee cash and get a room already. Although he used the incident as a way to get away from the Pee-Wee character he never enjoyed the same level of success again. This is probably why he’s shopping the idea of another Pee-Wee film and a possible Pee-Wee stage show in Vegas.

Marry a Loser and Get Hooked on Crack

Whitney Houston was by far the leading diva on the pop scene in the ‘80s and ‘90s. Top selling albums, Grammy awards, smash movie rolls, she had it all. She then made a decision that would ultimately change her life forever. She married ex- New Edition member Bobby Brown. Although it was her prerogative to do so (see what I did there?), Bobby led her into a life of drugs and pretty much killed her career.

Ummmm….Drugs are bad. Mmmkay?

To make matters worse, she and Bobbi did a reality show together that really showed how ugly the relationship was and what a fall from grace Whitney had. Such a shame.


Get Really, Really, Really Fat

I’m not one to mock anyone who has a weight problem however in Kirstie Alley’s case, I’m willing to make an exception. I’ve said it before, if you’re a successful actor, you have plenty of time and money to ensure that you stay in reasonable shape and usually have an army of people around you that can cater to your every need while you focus on staying in shape and aging gracefully. Kirstie missed the memo.After a few successful films, she landed the part of Rebecca Howe on Cheers and then went on to do another fairly good sitcom and then paused to eat Bon Bons. She’s been doing that ever since.

She not only called Jenny but ate her as well.

She hooked up with Jenny Craig as their spokesperson and it lasted a pretty long while until someone at Jenny Craig noticed she wasn’t really losing any weight which isn’t a good thing considering that was what Jenny’s products are supposed to help you do.

When Smoking Was Great

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There was a time when smoking wasn’t the social taboo it is today. Smoking was something people did on planes, in doctor’s waiting rooms, in theatres, in their cars and pretty much everywhere else until we came to the shocking realization that smoking is actually bad for you ! Who knew !?!? You’d think that sucking carcinogenic smoke directly into your lungs would actually be beneficial and something to be encouraged. Well at least that’s what they thought in the ’60s and ’70s as witnessed in the following classic cigarette ads.

Marlboro This ad is wrong on so many levels. Using an innocent baby to sell cigarettes is one thing but to try and make you feel guilty that you don’t have the best of everything like this kid’s dad since you don’t smoke Marlboros is really a shot below the smoke filled lungs. At least it’s never too late to experience the “Miracle of Marlboro” and never feel over-smoked (as opposed to under smoked I guess).
Chesterfield
This ad featuring former President Ronald Reagan, really only proves one of two things. Either Ronnie only associated with people who smoked or he was the worst Christmas shopper in history. Although, it’s nice to finally see a cigarette that doesn’t leave an unpleasant after-taste. Now instead of popping a Tic Tac or Menthos before an interview, have a quick smoke to freshen your breath. Chesterfield Cigarettes – the New Fresh Maker !

Camel

You really can’t go wrong with Camel cigarettes when you realize that more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette brand. What an awesome endorsement. Obviously it’s the cigarette brand a doctor would recommend if he finds you’re not getting enough tar.

Winston

This commercial aired back in 1960 when Winston cigarettes sponsored the first season of The Flintstones on ABC. Back then the show was geared towards an adult audience much in the same way that Family Guy is geared towards an adult audience. Trying to air an ad like this today would certainly prompt a few lawsuits and a few thousand complaints. Although I gotta say Wilma looked pretty sexy with that cigarette.

The Way They Was (Part 1)

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It’s always cool to see what celebrities looked like when they were younger and what they look like now for a couple of reasons. Not only does it “humanize” them in terms of making them look more like everyday people you come across in daily life, but you see that often times they were very average looking in their younger years but are now quite attractive.

It’s kind of inspiring and makes you think that one day, you too may be better looking and more attractive as well. Especially if you invest thousands of dollars in plastic surgery, workout for the better part of the day, have a personal trainer, a personal dietician, and personal assistants that can take care of things for you while you workout – like take your kids to soccer practice.

Angelina Jolie

Looking like a little cutie in 1988 – no sign that she’d grow up to be the homewrecker that she is although since she bagged Brad Pitt, somehow she gets a pass from scorn. Hmmmmmm.

Brad Pitt

Just as good looking today as he did in 1987. Funny how when Billy Bob Thorten split with his wife to be with Angelina Jolie he was labelled a pig and a scoundrel. Mr. Pitt does it and all the woman high five each other. Double standard? Just sayin’…….

Halle Barry

I think Halle Berry looked great in 1986 and then every year after. Though she’s been known to wear a gold belt from time to time, she hasn’t worn a leotard with USA printed on it for a while.

One word – “The Hoff”


Considering the macho roles he’s had plus the fact he played the part of a life guard for a while, you’d think back in 1980 he would have spent a little more time at the gym trying to bulk up a bit with some muscle rather than all that time blowdrying his hair.

Janet Jackson
Miss Jackson if you’re nasty. Cute as a button in 1984 and sexy as hell today. Anyone remember her on Good Times ?
Pierce Bronson
Clearly a Burt Reynolds fan in 1981, the future James Bond seemed to get more suave and good looking as he aged. Clearly couldn’t afford a stylist in early ’80s .

Cartoons Based on Popular Things (That Sucked)

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On a recent post, we discussed some live action kid’s shows that may have been ill conceived, badly produced or just plain sucked and likely got someone fired (or promoted -go figure). For every live action show produced in the ’70s and ’80s there were dozens of animated ones that tried to compete for a time slot in the lucrative Saturday morning cartoon market. Here’s a look at some that were produced based on the popularity of certain trends or other shows that basically sucked.

Gilligan’s Planet

Based on one of the all time Retro TV classics, Gilligan’s Island, the ill conceived animated version had our ship wrecked crew flying through the cosmos dealing with all sorts of aliens and nutty situations.

So to recap, seven castaways can’t get off a desert island, only have a radio with an awesome set of batteries, need an exercise bike made out of bamboo to wash their clothes but somehow can build a rocket and careen through hyper space on space adventures. Alrightie then.

Pole Position

Though named after the popular video game, the show really had nothing to do with the cartoon. Although it looked a lot like another car based cartoon that was pretty popular, Speed Racer, this one actually had a plot with a couple of crime fighting kids who also happened to be stunt drivers that were involved with a secret government operation. Happens all the time. What a stunt team has to do with a pole position on a racing grid, I’ll never know. It only lasted one season.

Frogger

In 1983, Frogger the animated series made it’s debut with our amphibious hero playing the role of a journalist – yup, a journalist. I suppose that answers the question as to why he was trying to get across the river – obviously there was a helluva story that needed to be written that was worth the risk of being eaten or crushed. You may have guessed that it only lasted a single season.

Q*Bert

Completing the trilogy of video game based cartoons is Q*Bert. He’d strut around the cube shaped town in a varsity jacket with a “‘Q” patch (obviously) and along with his friends, constantly deal with the school bullies and their evil ways. This of course makes you think, what was he actually studying? What kind of future does a testicle shaped blob have? Again, one season. Starting to see a trend here.

The Snorks

So what do you do when a popular kid’s show is owning Saturday morning ratings? You try to duplicate the formula (or ripoff) and come up with something to rival it. So first come The Smurfs and then come The Snorks. So named for the snorkel appendage sticking out of their heads. Snorks were a race of tiny sea creatures that lived pretty much like you and me. They lived in houses, went to d drive-in movies, drive cars etc. all while under the sea. Kind of like an early Sponge Bob. Only in this case they were constantly solving problems and trying to undo some of the dastardly plots of the mayor’s son who was always up to no good. This actually lasted four seasons thanks to the introduction of new bad guys to content with on a regular basis.

Rubik the Amazing Cube

Invented in 1974, the Rubik’s Cube is still a popular puzzle thanks to the introduction to a new generation. Jumping on the popularity of the Rubik’s Cube craze in the ’80s, “Rubik The Amazing Cube” animated series made its debut in 1983. Why they chose to give the cube an alien head, I’ll never know. Really hard to believe they managed to come up with a full season of plots for a show about an animated cube shaped puzzle. Shockingly, it lasted only the single season.

Retro Video of the Day – Planet Rock

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You may have never heard of Kraftwerk unless you are a true Retro lover however you most certainly heard their music or their musical influences on other artists. Artists like Depeche Mode, Yazoo, Ultravox, Devo and David Bowie all owe their sound to the ground breaking efforts of these four German electronic originals.

Founded in 1968, Kraftwerk tried to carve a sound that was uniquely German. They experimented with new technologies and relied on the industrial world around them for inspiration. Album after album their innovative approach to creating new sounds attracted the attention of young musicians and by the early ’80s, pretty much every new wave / synth group credited Kraftwerk as a major influence. This made Kraftwerk’s Euro sound a dance floor staple.

“Funky Futuristic White Boys”


Th0ugh Trans Europe Express was released in 1977, it eventually caught the attention of an American DJ who went on to release a little ditty you may have heard of – “Planet Rock” by the Soul Sonic Force masterminded by Afrika Bambaataa who dubbed Krafterk “Funky futuristic white boys”. Planet Rock was the catalyst to the whole Electro Funk sound that became synonymous to the whole ’80s sound.

Random 80’s Movie Prick of the Day

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Growing up in the 80s and 90s it would have been impossible for you not to have seen Pretty in Pink. If you were a guy growing up in the 80s, most of you were probably wondering why they kept casting Molly Ringwald as the female love interest in all those teen movies. Was everyone else simply not available? Was it her pouty lips? Did she do the movies for free? If they ever remade that film again, I can guarantee they wouldn’t be casting a pale, scrawny girl for the role. I can see Megan Fox in that role. Okay – maybe that’s too much but hey – she definitely looks pretty in pink! She’d have to get a restraining order on Duckie for sure.


Back to topic though. In the movie, the chief protagonist was Blayne’s best friend Biff who was played superbly by James Spader. James is a great actor and watching him on Boston Legal is simply a treat and certainly deserves his Emmy for that role. In the movie he kept trying to convince Blayne that Andy (Molly Ringwald) was nothing special and to stop wasting his time while in reality, Biff had the hots for her as well and the only reason he didn’t like her was because Andy kept shunning his repeated attempts at a hook up.

James played the part to perfection from the swaggering walk, the holier than though attitude and just the droll, couldn’t care less mannerism in the way he conducted himself. We all knew guys like this in high school and wanted to take a swing at them just for breathing air. I’m sure Biff went on to become an investment broker and probably was a key player in the saving and loan scandals and now doing time with his second wife waiting for him on the outside.

Who Knew That Lysol Was a Girl’s Best Friend?

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Read the ad first. Not sure what’s more disturbing about this ad, the fact this woman needs a household cleaner to achieve that fresh feeling down there or that women walked around in the 50’s smelling like pine cones. Honestly, what if it didn’t work? Where do you go from there if Lysol doesn’t work for you? It was the 50s afterall – Woolite? (Just sayin’……..)

I can imagine the conversation at the lodge between the men.

“Say, how’s the Lysol working for you Bob?”

“Pretty good Fred! Got the boat all scrubbed down and ready for fishing!”

“That’s great Bob. How’d it work on Ethel?”

“Not so good Fred…….not so good.”

“That’s a damn shame Bob.”

“Go to hell Fred.”

Duran Duran Turning Japanese

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Most bands tend to be influenced by another artist to forge a new sound or style. It’s either a blatant rip-off or just a skimming of the best traits to take advantage of a trail already blazed. One such example is one of my all time favorite 80s bands, Duran Duran. A true Duranie would already know that the fab five were heavily influenced by a group called Japan who were a former glam rock band that made the switch to the New Romantic scene in 1980.


Japan was formed by Steve and David Batt, two brothers who were heavily influenced by David Bowie and the New York Dolls to the point where they not only copied the musical styles of both Bowie and the Dolls, but actually changed their last names in homage of the Dolls’ key members, Sylvain Sylvain and David Johansen. Steve and David Batt became Steve Jansen and David Sylvian.

As a glam band they achieved little success and by 1980, they were ready for a change. The idea was incorporating elements of the emerging Euro Disco sound, heavy synthesizers and a back beat all performed in a rock band setting. The timing was perfect, and they created one of their classic albums, Quiet Life. It was around this time that they took the androgynous cartoon like image to a new level of sophistication with their suave demeanor and sophisticated style fashion similar to what Brian Ferry was rocking with Roxy Music. This “gay but straight” look became pretty mainstream, and pretty much sums up what it means to be “totally 80’s.”

Separated at birth ?


After a few years they spilt up but by then, their influence on mainstream music in the U.K. was undeniable. One young musician that noticed and followed Japan’s moves was Nick Rhoads. Nick took the best elements of Japan and created Duran Duran. Though Japan’s influence is undeniable, and in some cases blatantly obvious, it seems like an appropriate passing of the torch. Japan created the look and sound and Duran Duran took it to the mainstream and to the next level and beyond.

Michael Jackson – Then and Now and What Could Have Been

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No matter how you feel about Michael Jackson, there is no disputing the fact that he had a seriously messed up childhood which probably led to much of the weirdness in his later life. I challenge any of you to grow up in his environment and be normal and not end up on the floor in the corner in a fetal position singing Diana Ross songs. No doubt this is only the beginning with much more weirdness to come thanks to people’s never ending thirst for celebrity dirt. Let the man moonwalk with Elvis in peace.

One of the things that Michael always denied was the amount of plastic surgery he had. He only ever admitted to doing his nose (shocker!) to correct a breathing problem and attributed his facial change simply to natural aging. Obviously there was nothing natural in the way he looked in his recent years. Back in 1985, Ebony magazine commissioned an artist to create his rendition of what some celebrities would look like by the year 2000 which is what you see in the middle picture above. Did he take a picture of Latoya and simply draw a mustache? Not even close. Still, makes you wonder what Michael would have indeed looked like if he just chilled a bit with the surgeries. Vanity Kills.

The magazine was also wrong about something else. They predicted that by the year 2000 Michael’s fan base would grow by ten times. His popularity is way off the charts now. Say what you will about him but I doubt any artist alive or yet to come will ever top him in terms of impact on our culture and post death adulation.